A few weeks ago, I posted the previous version of the spotlight, and had planned a timely return to form soon thereafter. However, my computer, dented and misshapen as it willed itself to be, decided to destroy itself and no longer keep a charge, and I was forced to take it in. Luckily, I got it replaced gratis. Unfortunately, it required I abandon the article that week and wait, alone and bored, in my home until it decided to find its way back to me.
Sometime between those two periods, I was able to sneak my way onto the computers of those unwary and signal my next victim about my intent to interview him. Undoubtedly some of you are unable to read the title of the thread so you're curious to know who I'm about to share an experience with, and for your sake, I will ignore my usual habit of naming and linking him here. I will, however, state that he has been here for a very long time and should be banned for being so pretentious and sycophantic. In any case, let us begin!
FH: Why does FH wants you to be interviewed? I mean, you spoke in the third person so that negated the "don't nominate yourself" rule and nobody else was suggested...Well, I mean I do a lot around here, and I figure if they wont gives me loyals, thens ill try to get the next best thing. The usurpation of the front page. muhaha
(His replies will henceforth be edited so they don't hurt your eyes.)
FH: What is it you do, aside from permanently browning your nose?
I play video games with the Staff because, I mean, they all like me. Just ask Theorem, I was protecting him in a game of Reach the other day.
FH: But you suck at gaming, I've seen your Black Ops videos. And Black Theorem hardly needs protection.
I know, and I even tried to make videos for the 2v2 Tournament because I knew they would be better players. But I was denied. I hoped that I could help them out but I guess not.
(I have absolutely no idea what he's on about.)
FH: And Black Theorem hardly needs protection.Hey, Theorem was on a kill-streak, I was just making sure no one came from behind.
FH: That's disgusting.And I mentioned him because I'm in a party with him right now.
FH: You clearly joined Forge Hub back in the day because it was the "thing to do" so to speak. Why are you still here?Well, I mean, I'm still waiting for the Loyal I was supposed to get a while ago. But, for some reason, people keep forgetting [to confer the rank]. Yeah, but being on the site for a long time gets me props right?
(Props? Still no idea.)
FH: Oh I think there was a staff discussion about that. You were denied, something about "too many quesadillas in an enchilada" or something. Shock speaks British, which is entirely indecipherable. Didn't you get the memo?
[Lull in the conversation.]
Don't answer that then, you suck. Why did you even join in the first place?
Well I was chillin' on Machinima.com and saw a plug for the site in a news show, so i joined. Then, I saw these people with colored ranks and I thought that, well, "I'm so awesome that I can get that easy." BUT WTF I"M NOT GETTIN TEH LOYALZ. STAFFS ARE CORRUPTZ!!!!
(So I didn't edit that one either.)
FH: Well, Stevo is. The dude is always saying something about spawn-trapping being a valid design principle, but hey, to each his own. Do you know who he is?No, who the hell is he? When did he get loyal over me? And... wait he's a Journalist too! C'mon guys, what can I do? Maybe if I help him spawn trap he'll help get me loyal!
FH: Believe me, I'm asking the same questions.
Really? Well, I feel cheated.
FH: I thought prostitutes learned to abandon their feelings?
Are you calling me a whore? Well, that was mean.
The word of the day.
FH: You're walking down the street and it starts to rain. At a nearby bus stop you see three occupants fighting over spots on a bench. The dilemma is as follows: A pretty girl sits on the left, desperately trying to hang on for dear life as a large woman, bereft of social or caloric awareness, pushes against her. This woman, whose habits could feed the combined third-world countries, is wealthy enough to offer you a large stipend to settle the dispute in her favor. The street to your left begins to flood, it's clear that you need to get out of there quick lest you soak your shoes, for the others, the bench is their only solace. Then there's a platypus, staring at you, willing to kill you with his poisonous quills. Only one may sit on the bench, because this is America damn it, and we're not sharing with anybody. WHAT DO YOU DO? What…do you…do?Well, I would pick up the platypus and throughit at the bench. [Yes, he spelled it that way]. I mean, why the hell should they get the seat, I deserve it. I work hard and they're just women....wait why are they out of the kitchen?
[Fortunately for woman everywhere, procreation with such misspelling miscreants.]
FH: Wrong.
Wait wrong? It was a opinion question.
FH: Not so. The correct answer is to take the woman's money, push the girl into the water, and to take the platypus as your henchman.
"o well i was just tying to give you my answer, srry i was annoying..."
FH: I hate you. Do you even know what Forge is?Um, that's what Silence what Shadow Viper is really good at. And Silence as good at until I broke his map right?
FH: That made no sense whatsoever.
Um, is it what they serve at coffee shops nowadays?
FH: How long have you had a mental deficiency? Use your fingers.One....two....three...five...eleven....This many. (Shows hands to computer screen.)
FH: Hm, you did better than expected.
Thanks Mr. Sarge!
FH: I asked CHUCK the same question and he just looked down at his lap, apparently he thinks he has an extra pinky. Okay, next question. Eunuch?Yes? It's a quiet life.
FH: Is it true that certain egoistical people can be entirely self-sufficient? That is to say, they can feed themselves based on their own "excretions." I've been interested in it and you seem to be a person with experience.Well we can, but we'd much rather feed on the adoration and the "putting down" of others. Obviously we can, we're better than you normal folk.
FH: You're saying "we" and then saying "you" in the same sentence. Seeing as I'm the only other person in this conversation, you're stupid. But another test to make sure. I'm thinking of a number between negative infinity and infinity, what is it?42?
FH: Sorry, try again, I didn't actually have a number ready.
Avogadro's number.
FH: The correct answer was 42. Final questions. QUICKFIRE ROUND.Ok sir.
FH: Why were you abandoned as a child?
My parents don't love me.
FH: How many fingers can you fit in your mouth?
Five.
FH: Have you done anything productive ever?
I help you guys out all the time, c'mon!
FH: If one plus two equals three, why doesn't four plus five equal six?
Because you said it doesn't.
FH: Damn... I wasn't expecting that.
Good answer, eh? I figured you'd like it. I think I broke Sarge...
FH: Since Camofo doesn't have XBL, Tusk wants to know why you haven't given him a one-month yet.
Because no staff told me he needed it. Can't he just sell a cone or something?
FH: That's illegal in five states if you're referring to what I think you are. Though it is legal in some parts of Nevada. What is your question for the next guy, who will undoubtedly score better on my aptitude test?Um, do you think I deserve loyal? 'Cause I do.
FH: Fair enough. Fin.
One thing though Mr. Sarge...
FH: Uh...
Can I has Reconz?
I can't believe that just happened. I have to apologize for the rather crass method of interview this time around, you wouldn't believe the amount of editing I had to do to Sharpshooter's responses. Though I suspect he was being as deliberately omnidirectional in demeanor as I was.
However, I do need more subjects to pry open for the articles. As such, only you can prevent front page fires and send me a message with recommendations. Preferably here or through a visitor's message though, I do not feel like emptying my inbox, nostalgia and all that jazz.
If you have any thoughts on this article, or the front page in general, that you would like to share with us then we invite you to post your opinions in the Front Page Feedback thread. 051507